Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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