But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
