I'm so fucking centered right now
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
