when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
