12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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