I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
