I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize