Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
