I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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