her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
