Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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