my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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