my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
