A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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