On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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