I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
