I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So gin and wine won't be happening again
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
