Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
