He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
