are you still at the devil's house?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
