She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
