Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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