May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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