you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
