My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
