you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
