yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
