i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
