the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
