Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize