Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
