I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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