I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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