I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize