You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
