Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
