I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize