Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
