I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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