I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
