Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
