Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
