I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
