I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
