Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
