Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
