I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
