Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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