I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
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