he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
