Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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