note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
