Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
