fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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